Doldrums

I feel like I am in the middle of the health doldrums. The "Doldrums" (I'm telling you this because I'm guessing that most of you aren't giant nautical fiction reading nerds like me and might not know) are roughly located along the Equator and the term doldrums refers to a zone where prevailing winds cannot be counted on. A sailing ship coming through this region can be trapped there for a few days or weeks. So as boats left their ports in the north they would often find themselves hitting the doldrums half way to their destination in either South America or Africa.

What this could mean for the average sail powered boat is days to weeks with little forward movement, which is troubling when the water and food you have to eat are limited.

I feel like I am in the doldrums. I have a diagnosis but no cure in sight. I am on a treatment regiment but won't know if it is working until late February. Meanwhile my reserves are slowly depleting, lab results get worse each month, and I'm taking more pain meds each week. Plus the weight keeps coming off and my energy level decreases weekly. Today I slept until 9am and then fell asleep again at 11am, it took me almost 30 minutes to summon the energy just to sit up on the couch!

When ships in the doldrums got really desperate they would put men in rowboats attached to the ship by rope and have them pull the ship forward as they rowed, generally speaking it was wated energy but the movement gave the men hope.

I sometimes wonder if running around to all these doctors at JHU, NYU, and Sloan Kettering isn't just wasted energy spent looking for hope. 

I know this for sure. I am loved. I have impacted this world in a positive way. I will continue to fight until the wind picks up again.